tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35195229567072632042024-02-20T15:30:08.639-08:00The Hometown Rookie: seeing my city through fresh eyesElaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-60903127139416846342016-04-19T05:50:00.001-07:002016-04-19T05:50:28.061-07:00New Site for Blog PostsTo read the latest blogs for the The Hometown Rookie, please go to <a href="http://www.elainesoloway.com./">www.elainesoloway.com.</a><br />
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<i>Elaine</i>Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-16309230685633990672016-03-29T14:01:00.000-07:002016-03-30T05:23:45.441-07:00Comfort Zone<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiAP7XEh3QUxF14DFynUjKDoaxtKe6FdYRGdbfOb9zO74qV7DQvhKqImMoaJQuE7daVMuvsO_SFbNOtsuw4z6P3tXzQeXRmyFZQvZvIS_qcc5TQKeMlsDr52zNa_kb8npeSyDK77UHFvdZ/s1600/Pinball.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiAP7XEh3QUxF14DFynUjKDoaxtKe6FdYRGdbfOb9zO74qV7DQvhKqImMoaJQuE7daVMuvsO_SFbNOtsuw4z6P3tXzQeXRmyFZQvZvIS_qcc5TQKeMlsDr52zNa_kb8npeSyDK77UHFvdZ/s200/Pinball.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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Felix showed me the slot where I was to slide in my two
quarters. Then, my seven-year-old grandson skipped away leaving me on my own at
the pinball machine. I pulled out the knob near my tummy, watched a tiny silver
ball shoot out, and pressed buttons on either side of the cabinet to send
flippers flying.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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As the glass case lit with each bounce, and numbers racked
up to announce my progress, I realized I was having fun. And I had been wrong
to protest this evening excursion to a <a href="http://buttonmashla.com/food/">game
place</a> I've never coveted. But my main complaint had been I would be taking
a predawn plane the next morning, and my comfort zone demanded I be tucked in
at that hour. <o:p></o:p></div>
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This experience during a recent five-day trip to Los Angeles
followed me home, as if it had been a memento packed in my luggage. I haven't visited
a pinball arcade since, but I am still trying to stretch outside my comfort
zone.<o:p></o:p></div>
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This change in my rigid behavior got me thinking: when did I
first map out this zone, which I had originally thought of as
"comfort," but now believe it was more like a corset: tight, restricting
movement, impeding breath, and hindering new experiences.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My "sorry, can't do that," usually revolved around
time, and my inflexible need to eat dinner at 6 p.m., go to bed at 8, and rise
at 4 a.m. This habit was so long-standing that I figured it must have started in
my childhood. Surely something that had survived for 77 years -- albeit with
minor attempts to break out -- began all those decades ago. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Whenever I talk about growing up in the 1940's, on Division
Street in Chicago's Humboldt Park neighborhood, people always respond,
"Ah, the good old days." But, I'm quick to correct: "They
weren't always so good. Things happened then that weren't sweet and
pleasant."<o:p></o:p></div>
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While I hesitate tarnishing anyone's remembrance, in my
case, there were episodes that have clung to me as if they were similar to <a href="http://thedivisionstreetprincess.blogspot.com/2006/08/happy-birthday-dear-tattoo.html">my
tattoo</a>, which has faded over the years, but never disappeared. In my
memoir, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Division-Street-Princess-Memoir/dp/0929636635/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1459161257&sr=8-1&keywords=%2B+the+division+street+princess">"The
Division Street Princess,"</a> I describe my parents' contentious
marriage; our stateside fear for the safety of uncles fighting overseas, my
family's drowning grocery store business, and evil men who preyed on defenseless
little girls.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Perhaps it was back then, that I decided it was more
comforting to shield myself early in bed, under the covers, protected by my
older brother who slept nearby and my parents on the living room's Murphy bed.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Now that I think of it, early bedtimes weren't my only self-imposed
confinement. For most of my career, I've been a public relations practitioner,
which meant staying behind the scenes and pushing others toward the spotlight. <o:p></o:p></div>
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But that changed in recent years. When my second husband,
Tommy, began to decline with brain degeneration, I started writing <a href="http://therookiecaregiver.blogspot.com/">a personal blog</a> as self-therapy.
Slowly, I was starting to tiptoe out, but only on the page.<o:p></o:p></div>
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After self-publishing two memoirs and arranging book
readings to push sales, I was forced to move from computer keyboard to lectern,
further expanding my comfort zone. I began to say, "yes" to requests
to <a href="http://chicago.adl.org/events/adls-next-generation-chicago-presents-life-lived-loud/soloway/">speak
before an audience</a>, and two recent <a href="http://patch.com/illinois/parkridge/marc-salems-mind-over-chicago-extends-adds-exciting-special-events">events</a>
found me center stage. <o:p></o:p></div>
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My latest escape from my inner clock's comfort zone spurred me
to enroll in a <a href="http://ioimprov.com/chicago/team/michael-mccarthy/">TV
pilot writing workshop</a> that begins at 3:30 p.m. and lasts until 6:30,
requiring me to postpone my dinner- and bed-times. While I first hesitated, and balked
at the uncomfortable schedule, I've learned that desire eclipses doubt; and
dining and retiring later aren't fatal. <o:p></o:p></div>
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And just last week, one of my daughters suggested I attend
the <a href="http://www.anitahollander.com/standing.htm">performance</a> of her
friend who was starring in a one-woman show nearby. The only problem: it began
at 8:30 p.m. But, I went. I stayed awake throughout the evening, got to bed at
10:30, and managed to stay asleep until 5:30 a.m.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bolstered by this experience, I've ordered
tickets for another <a href="https://www.tutato.com/">one-woman show</a> where
the curtain rises at 7:30 p.m.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Based on my history of frequently changing my mind, or <a href="http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1999-07-07/features/9907070034_1_bat-mitzvah-leap-marriage/2">leaping
before I look</a>, it's possible that one day I'll have journeyed so far from
my comfort zone that I become scared, exhausted, or embarrassed, and want to
bolt back. If that were to happen, I'll think of my darling grandson and the
noisy, darkened arcade. I'll add in a mixed racket of flippers slapping silver
balls, people laughing, and remember: I not only survived; I had fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-42586903786691975662016-03-17T05:20:00.000-07:002016-03-17T05:20:39.751-07:00Mothers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGkwBcF_EeXqpeIMaS7kLEd0HTJ7KjpwKvYCXbJBUpJ-g2agqsh-_O439K1tOof4c_UrBZGZakpcvcsORKyFUf36v3SjJ5af-shcifEhJuXzfsMQTzUsGTsmheWeuAfsdxs79Llbumk9dB/s1600/Mothers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGkwBcF_EeXqpeIMaS7kLEd0HTJ7KjpwKvYCXbJBUpJ-g2agqsh-_O439K1tOof4c_UrBZGZakpcvcsORKyFUf36v3SjJ5af-shcifEhJuXzfsMQTzUsGTsmheWeuAfsdxs79Llbumk9dB/s200/Mothers.jpg" width="131" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">She was sitting in the armchair, her legs stretched out on the footstool.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Hi, Mom," I said, as I closed the door behind me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She didn't speak, so I jumped right in. "You're angry,
aren't you?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She sighed and said. "I guess I should be used to it by now. It
seems every chance you get -- first in your </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Division-Street-Princess-Memoir/dp/0929636635/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1458142095&sr=8-1&keywords=the+division+street+princess"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">memoir</span></a><span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">, and now </span><a href="http://chicago.adl.org/events/adls-next-generation-chicago-presents-life-lived-loud/"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">on stage</span></a><span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">, before an
audience of 100 people, mostly strangers -- you sneer at my mothering. When are
you going to give it a rest?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Mom, could we talk about this in my next dream?" I
was yawning and tugging off one boot at a time. "I'm so sleepy; it's two
hours past my bedtime."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Poor baby," she said. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My deceased mother visits me often. I hoped I'd be able to get
away with the event, which was just a few hours earlier and had focused on my
life and my mothering style.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Let me see if I can repeat it?" she said. "I've
heard it often enough." I sat down on the couch that doubles as a daybed.
I leaned back on the cushion, closed my eyes, and listened. Even though my mother
was not in the best of moods, I welcomed this chance to hear her voice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I always admired
their audacity</i>," my mother said, repeating the quote that was first
published in the </span><a href="http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/schmich/ct-schmich-transparent-met-1005-20141003-column.html"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Chicago Tribune</span></a><span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. I had said that
line at the event, referring to my daughters.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mom continued, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"And wish I had it. I grew up more
traditional, became a teacher, married a Jewish man at the end of college, and cooked
like my mother.</i>"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I stopped her. "I said 'cooked,' doesn't that imply that I
valued your cooking and wanted to emulate it?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She ignored my interruption, and went on reciting my words. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"When I grew up, my mother decided what
I wore, how much I should weigh. I decided to turn it upside down, let my girls
choose their clothes, not brush their hair if they didn't want to. They are who
I wanted to be. I wanted to be as free as they turned out to be."<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"I noticed you added a new shtick tonight," she said. "<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My daughters credit me with raising them to
be protagonists in their own stories." (</i>This had been gifted to me by
one of my kids and I used it to show off.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Poor baby," she repeated. "You turned out so
horrible, didn't you?" <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I left my spot and tucked myself in beside her. I put my legs up
on the footstool, just like her. "You were a wonderful mother," I
said. "It was the times; that's how mothers were back in the '40s. I admitted
that in my spiel. I didn't blame you. Did you hear blame in my voice?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Perhaps I had been a bit harsh. "What part of that hurt
you?" I said. "Was it about my weight? You have to admit you
were on me about that."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"I was only thinking about you, about your prospects,"
she said. She leaned her head against my shoulder. I wished it could linger
there throughout the night. "I wanted you to marry well, not like I did. I
thought if you were thin, like the models in the newspaper ads, you wouldn't
wind up behind a grocery store counter like me. I had bigger dreams for
you."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"I didn't know you had dreams for me," I said. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Not when you were a child," she said. "Remember,
when you were 42 and I visited you in your office. You introduced me to your
boss. I was squeezing your hand so hard, you had to pull it away. "<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I was so sleepy. I closed my eyes and conjured the scene. It was
1980, just one year before my mother died at 67. I was working as a
communications director for the superintendent of Chicago Public Schools. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Listen," I said. "I'm so sorry I've hurt you.
It's not easy being a mother; I'm sure I've done hurtful things to my own
daughters. I just hope they forgive me."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Does that mean you forgive me?" she said, her voice
soft. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Forgive you? There's nothing to forgive," I said.
"You were a wonderful mother; I'm a blabbermouth who fancies herself a
writer. Will <u>you</u> forgive me for any words I've written, or said, that
have hurt you?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She smiled, that gorgeous one I so easily remembered. "Of
course," she said. "I just wanted an excuse to visit. And by the way,
you did great tonight."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 13.5pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">With those words, I fell into an even deeper sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-89929991940746994422016-03-03T05:45:00.000-08:002016-03-03T05:48:14.639-08:00One-Oh-Six<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdd6oE9per8g8qp9LgLw-ZIHVbN-WjZyu5-8efQDFs35IpY8q-okUrRpCfJNbAIH5pUEVQxA-RoZi7ZjwkbkKCNdjqbqyKIg62j4ZQG44HFw_vff502GRb78lbYIw3LrzeRjcg1qy2hx6y/s1600/digital_bathroom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdd6oE9per8g8qp9LgLw-ZIHVbN-WjZyu5-8efQDFs35IpY8q-okUrRpCfJNbAIH5pUEVQxA-RoZi7ZjwkbkKCNdjqbqyKIg62j4ZQG44HFw_vff502GRb78lbYIw3LrzeRjcg1qy2hx6y/s200/digital_bathroom.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">Using
both hands, I slide the bathroom scale away from the wall. It is flat, silver-rimmed,
angelic, as if no unpleasant news could ever emerge from its opaque surface.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After
first resting my palms against the wall to steady myself, I step on the scale. I
close my eyes, count to five, and then open to read the digital numbers. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">One-Oh-Six</i>, I say aloud, although no one
is in earshot to hear me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There
was a time when that number would have distressed me. It would've sent me
rushing to search for a solution that would've lassoed that number and dragged
it downward to a desired 100. But now, at age 77, after nearly a lifetime of obsession
with my weight, I no longer seek a fix.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">One-Oh-Six isn't horrible</span></i><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">, I
tell myself. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm only four-foot-nine-inches
tall, and those 106 pounds appear to be collecting - as if they were a family
reunion of ten generations -- at my waistline. And, in a full-length mirror, my
image seems to resemble a water tower. (Instead of H20, my short cylinder is
filled with salt, oil, and beef from the Asian dinner the night before. Those were
the nasty ingredients that shot my weight up to its current altitude.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm
truly grateful that other things have replaced my former weight obsession,
including technology. So, if I did a Google search to find a Weight Watchers
meeting near my zip code -- just in case -- that'd make sense, wouldn't it?
It's the hunt driving me, after all, not the long-erased addiction.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In my
morning journal, I record the page number, time, and my weight. I'm a list
maker, you see, a writer who appreciates details. With this daily practice, I
am able to go back to journals of many years ago and review the events that demanded
memorializing. (In November of 2012, 99.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I drink
my black coffee as I write, and after 30 minutes, it's time for breakfast: a
quarter cup of orange juice, a half cup of blueberries, one dried prune, four
slices of banana, one tablespoon of plain yogurt. This is followed by one-third
of a bagel, one teaspoon of original cream cheese, one slice of lox. It
feels good being able to eat whatever I want, and to no longer be concerned
about the scale.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm
amused when I think back to the time when my weight mattered to me, unlike this
present day. Grade school. Mother. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You
don't need that</i>, she says as she swats my hand from the apple strudel
cooling on the stove. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I can't
remember, did she then take me to the diet doctor, or was I already in high
school when those visits occurred. After weighing in, a nurse would hand out
pills for morning, noon, and night, and then schedule the next appointment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Weight
Watchers opened in Chicago in the '70s, and my two daughters would sometimes
accompany me to weekly meetings. Is this true, or am I imagining it: did one of
them announce to the leader, after I stepped off the scale and was told I had
gained instead of lost: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mommy ate a candy
bar</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My
first husband was tall and skinny. I was short and pudgy. (120) Although he and
my mother differed on many things, they bonded about my body. Using his
nickname for me, he once joked to our daughters as I reached for a slice of
cake, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mother loves her sweets</i>. We all
laughed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My
second husband was short and wiry. A runner and an athlete -- he played
softball, ran half marathons, and worked out at the Lakeview YMCA three times a
week for 40 years (he was featured in their newsletter). We both became
vegetarians; I dropped out after a few months, but Tommy continued the practice
until his deathbed. (Now that I think about it, he could've been slightly
anorexic in his obsession.) I can't remember him ever mentioning my weight,
which I think was around 102 during our marriage and fell to 99 during his
hospice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I know
that tomorrow when I step on the scale, the number will likely be One-Oh-Four.
And my smart, snickering scale will confirm the two-pound loss. Although I
haven't let the One-Oh-Six bother me, I'm certain I will do what any other
rational, self-confident woman will do and simply avoid salty dishes, select
fish for a main course, and substitute a half cup of applesauce for the same
amount of low calorie frozen yogurt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It's
wonderful to be in my seventh decade, content with my self-image, and not the
least bit obsessed with my weight.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-11387593374137691052016-02-17T05:20:00.001-08:002016-02-17T05:27:20.593-08:00Envy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirfRRvTXibvMPoN59LAaMOjvhyphenhyphen5yqbSVVwj3SSR_gAWzZ1NdG8gRCoyQ4bGB-CwwKz33OTAJp9aFJVsKUrcp6SFRtnzY2DUSNXlJq1o20zQqv-Og4R60Nza6tOubtLwzYUgCSEe2vv7d6k/s1600/17871749_s+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="The Hometown Rookie" border="0" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirfRRvTXibvMPoN59LAaMOjvhyphenhyphen5yqbSVVwj3SSR_gAWzZ1NdG8gRCoyQ4bGB-CwwKz33OTAJp9aFJVsKUrcp6SFRtnzY2DUSNXlJq1o20zQqv-Og4R60Nza6tOubtLwzYUgCSEe2vv7d6k/s200/17871749_s+copy.jpg" title="The Hometown Rookie" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had to look up the difference between the definitions of
"envy" and "jealousy" because those words were creeping
into my head. I was curious to learn the specific emotion I had been feeling, when
I watched a married couple -- a few years older than I -- exchange easy banter.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Is that what you're wearing?" she had said, her
voice interested, but not the least sarcastic. Her look towards her husband
carried tenderness, concern, and admiration shaped during a solid marriage of
nearly 60 years.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My new friends live in a condominium with a grand piano, captivating
views of Grant Park, prized books and artwork, framed photographs of family
vacations, and mementos of foreign travel. But none of this abundance was what
I envied. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">They will grow old together</i>,
I thought. I had no ill will towards them, but I wanted what they had, and that
is what is called "envy."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Jealousy" on the other hand, is when you feel the
threat of losing someone, a fear you might be replaced. But since I had already
lost Tommy, and it was unlikely he had found another me in his afterlife, I
could scratch jealousy as the sensation that had me musing about my friends'
coupled life, and my single one.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the three-and-a-half years since my second husband died,
I'd occasionally wake with the notion I wanted a new man in my life. There'd be
some void, some bit of the blues, and I'd focus on finding a fella as the
salve.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"A companion," I would claim to friends, "not
a husband. Just someone for an occasional early dinner, theatre, and perhaps
travel. And spooning." I remembered how Tommy and I would fall asleep
cradled together like newborn pups.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But whenever I'd toss that notion to friends my age, or to
those who witnessed the years of my caregiving of Tommy, they'd return the
volley with, "Men your age are not in great shape. Why would you want to take
on that burden again?" <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"You're right," I'd say, recognizing that my male
cohorts aren't as sturdy as their female partners. So, I'd check off, "find
a guy," and sign on to multiple interests that would replace that entry.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The hiatus would hold for several months until I'd get the
itch again, which led to forays on online dating sites: JDate, Our Time, and
Match.com. Bright-eyed, confident, and optimistic, I'd create an honest
profile, upload flattering photos, exchange a few witty conversations, meet a
handful of men for coffee/lunch/dinner, and eventually flee to "Do not
renew" on the membership page.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On the first two sites, I fudged my age by five years, and
that brought interested would-be suitors, but none with the glue that survived
beyond our first face-to-face audition. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With my latest, Match, the sign-in required my date of birth
--1938 -- and instead of fibbing; I fessed up, which became part of my profile.
The men in my selected age range: 72-82, appeared to have slurped from the
fountain of youth, for their desired females landed in the 55-65 age group.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So now I've decided -- despite my love for all things techie
-- to forgo online dating and stick to a less deliberate method of pairing up.
For example, I met my <a href="http://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12459/transgender-marriage-story-1115/http://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12459/transgender-marriage-story-1115/">first
husband</a> when I was in college and he was dating a friend of mine. He took a
shine to me, my friend never spoke to me again, and our marriage lasted 30
years before we divorced.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Green-Nails-Other-Acts-Rebellion/dp/1631529196/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=0HEANFBAJGFEBXRH0HAW">I
met Tommy in 1996</a> -- as the song goes -- on the street where we lived.
Rather than an online profile, we easily matched when we learned we were both divorced;
and loved dogs, TV, and nights at home. We became a couple after just one date.
Before he died in 2012 at the age of 77, his thin brown hair was just starting
to show strands of grey; his face just barely creased, and his arms freckled by
the hours of sunlit golfing rather than age. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If he had lived, Tommy would likely complement my current
landscape of lined brow, white hair, and beige dots. And, I'd like to think I'd
adore all of his matching emblems. I'd be content seeing us both unvarnished,
and blessed with the gift of growing old together -- even with its challenges
and complications.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But since that is not to be, perhaps God will place a male
in my path. I just hope She doesn't take too long. I worry Her script might
have us meeting "cute," something like a collision of our metal walkers
as we tap our way to an early bird dinner. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-25919719767752644372016-02-10T05:19:00.001-08:002016-02-16T04:57:48.185-08:00Poor Baby<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9KXyKjgICUgb4kch-ebF-HukNA5AxdmLMshXOg8kw6SEO9jUIOnHblDM8AC5ehS9NhkrEJYNFr7fap0KR2wqPjZN8vZwjtBHF9-g9Iqmb4qhjhsFJTFmehT3uEeXYBN3wz1rfo16PTmHL/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9KXyKjgICUgb4kch-ebF-HukNA5AxdmLMshXOg8kw6SEO9jUIOnHblDM8AC5ehS9NhkrEJYNFr7fap0KR2wqPjZN8vZwjtBHF9-g9Iqmb4qhjhsFJTFmehT3uEeXYBN3wz1rfo16PTmHL/s200/images.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
One week ago today, I woke with a sore throat, stuffy nose,
and aching head. Because I worried my bug could infect others, at 8:00 a.m., I dressed
and slogged to a nearby walk-in clinic.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Acute upper respiratory infection. It's caused by a virus,"
the doctor said as he removed stethoscopes from his ears. "Antibiotics
won't kill a virus, so I won't be prescribing any. You'll be contagious for the
next few days, so it's probably a good idea to stay home and rest." <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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While I was relieved he had diagnosed nothing more serious
than an ordinary cold -- which was likely the same outcome for all of the slumped
folks who were stuffing the waiting room by the time I departed at 8:30 -- my illness
wasn't serious enough to warrant attention or sympathy. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Poor baby, </i>I told myself. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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(For any evil eyes reading this post, and thinking I'm flaunting my good fortune, let it be known that I'm truly grateful my
ailment wasn't life threatening. I am hereby performing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: black;">ptu, ptu, ptu </span></i><span style="background: white; color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>- the simulated
spitting that Jewish superstition requires.)</span><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
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As I walked back to my apartment, where I live alone -- without
a husband, without my daughters who live far away, without my mother who is long
gone, without friends a door-knock away -- I felt my thirst for sympathy rising
with each sneeze. (I know, I know, I could've called you, and you would've
rushed over. But, I never want to bother.)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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By the time I reached my doorway, I had worked myself into
full-blown pathetic. As I unlayered my winter coat, scarf, and gloves, then
switched from blue jeans and long-sleeved top to flannel pajamas, I sunk lower
into woefulness.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Oh, how I longed for someone to be waiting at bedside to tuck
me in, and then pull the covers up to my chin. She, or he, or they, would kiss
my un-fevered forehead, ask if I wanted the light on or off, and then tiptoe
out. They would close the bedroom door as silently as if an angel food cake were
rising in the oven. And later, they would return with a cup of soup or hot tea.
(Because I live in a studio apartment, I'm making up the "bedroom
door" bit. In truth, they'd have to retire to a corner. But don't you
agree it wouldn't evoke the same feeling?) </div>
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Since I lacked the power to make any of that
nostalgia-driven scenario come true, in this age of social media, I did the
next best thing: I turned to Facebook. On my page, I posted this query:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I have an upper respiratory infection;
i.e. cold. Advil Cold & Sinus helped, but second dose prevented repose. Up
all night. Any suggestions for relief without causing me to be wide-awake again
tonight? Thanks!"<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #141823; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Within minutes, the remedies and sympathies came pouring in.
At last count, 85 friends had paused their own browsing to offer suggestions.
With each comment, I felt as cozy as if they were crowding my bedside. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I imagined them rushing to my apartment with their
recommended chicken soup, whisky, zinc, Benadryl, Afrin, Umcka, scotch,
humidifier, neti pot, apple cider vinegar, Sudafed, Mucinex, Nyquil, ginger
tea, linden tea, and Zicam. I could even envision those who suggested acupuncture
dragging along a therapist to perform the procedure. And I could practically
hear the water running for the hot bath with Epsom salts another friend
believed would cure my congestion.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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It was then I realized I had received the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">poor baby </i>I had been seeking. All of
these Facebook friends -- admittedly I know only a portion by sight -- were providing
my<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>longed-for sympathy and attention. It
didn't matter that the succor was virtual, that not a one of them was actually
in my apartment; I still felt comforted. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And even though some of the cures were things I'd never try,
I enjoyed mentally costuming each of my respondents in a wardrobe that signaled
care. Perhaps a nurse's uniform, an herb gardener's green apron, a mad
scientist's askew lab coat, a bartender's shirt, or simply a white jacket like
the CVS pharmacist who sold me the Advil and Nyquil. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Before complying with the doctor's orders to stay home and
rest, I purchased a pile of the antidotes that were on my Facebook list. And, with each
spoonful of chicken soup, each thimble of whisky, each sip of ginger tea, my
acute respiratory infection slowly dissolved, as if it were the powdered roots
in my herbal cures.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, thanks to the
wonders of ancient and modern medicine, virtual and real-life friends, bed
rest, and unlimited television, I am just about restored to good health. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: black;">Ptu, ptu, ptu.</span></i><o:p></o:p></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-931698878922252392016-01-30T05:15:00.001-08:002016-01-30T05:15:37.535-08:00Happy Birthday, Dear Mom<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikxT-MrcJOecT5CrxLrgH2tGIxp9ffyMS3VE__L321mX4yeK2Qv6rhyTk09BS8p21cQU6vcE-84s2ALWPBrGR3N-9pZR0GE5nAq6elHEFqudyjq0cQwIcWl8ZpyCM_KeMceLXqWsoPBgdZ/s1600/MomBirthday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikxT-MrcJOecT5CrxLrgH2tGIxp9ffyMS3VE__L321mX4yeK2Qv6rhyTk09BS8p21cQU6vcE-84s2ALWPBrGR3N-9pZR0GE5nAq6elHEFqudyjq0cQwIcWl8ZpyCM_KeMceLXqWsoPBgdZ/s200/MomBirthday.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
"Mom, did you have birthday parties as a child?"<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Oh, it was so long ago, who remembers?" <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To make room for her, I scooted over to the corner of my
daybed that doubles as a couch. Although my mother died in December of 1981, she
annually visits me on her birthday, which is today, January 30.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I loved that she hadn't primped for this pop-in. She was
wearing a white chenille bathrobe with blue embroidered flowers, and her long
black hair with hardly any gray, fell loose down her back. (When Mom was alive,
she piled her thin strands atop her head, like movie actresses of the time.) Her
face, still absent of wrinkles, lacked her usual rouge, lipstick, and mascara.
And the wedge house slippers she wore to add height, were on the floor nearby. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Before reaching over to put an arm around me, she hoisted
the stuffed dog that I nightly nestle. "Oy vey," she said, as she
tossed it off the bed. "<a href="http://therookiewidow.blogspot.com/">How about finding a guy</a>?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Let's not go there." I said. In my mother's dreamy
visits, she often worried I would remain single. And although she had a lousy
second marriage, to a guy 20 years older than her -- who had her clipping
coupons and counting pennies -- she insisted a woman needs a man. "I never
want to be a burden to my kids," was how she framed it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To shift the conversation, I said, "Happy 103rd
Birthday, Mom!"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Shah! That's a horrid thing to say."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Okay, okay, sorry, no years. I know you never wanted
to be an old lady, but I'm just trying to bring us up to date." (Whenever
Mom saw a hobbler with a cane or walker, she'd wince. A heart attack just shy
of 69 foiled that fate.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I continued: "So, what I've been pondering, along with my
question about birthday parties, is why I was not more curious about your life
when you were alive? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Why did I never ask you about your childhood, your
teen years, your relationship with your own mother, romances? Now, all of your
siblings are gone, and other than photographs, I have no clue as to who you
were before I came along.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mother laughed. "You and your daughters <span id="goog_2130136168"></span><a href="http://chicago.adl.org/events/adls-next-generation-chicago-presents-life-lived-loud/">put your whole lives out there</a>, so you think anyone who doesn't share is meshugah. Well,
some of us are happier being private. Especially in my day; we didn't hang out
secrets as if they were damp dresses on a clothesline."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Nice metaphor," I said, impressed with the
imagery. "So, did you want to be a writer, too?" <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While I waited for her answer, I snuggled closer. I felt her body's
warmth and sniffed the familiar scents of her Lux soap and Prell shampoo.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Writer? That was out of the question in my day,"
she said. "Back then, as soon as you were old enough -- I was 19 -- you
got out of the house and got married. Remember, I had three sisters and four
brothers. My mother pushed me towards your father."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I know the story," I said, glum as I recalled
their testy marriage. "I used it in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Division-Street-Princess-Memoir/dp/0929636635">my memoir</a>. When you protested and said
you didn't love him, Bubbie said, 'you'll learn to love him.' But, you never
did, did you?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We were both silent for a few minutes. "What can I
say?" she said. "We were married for 25 years before he died. He was
only 48. You said in your book that I nagged. But if your father had listened
to me, had stopped smoking, stopped noshing, paid attention to his diabetes,
maybe he would've lived longer.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Okay, Mom, this is your birthday. I don't want to
bring either of us down. I know you're not going to hang around too long, so
before you go, tell me what I can get you as a gift."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Tell <a href="http://www.faithsoloway.com/">Faith</a> and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FCKEKO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&btkr=1">Jill</a> how much I kvell about them. That
would be a gift. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transparent_(TV_series)">Such talent</a>, such good mothers. I'm a very proud grandmother."
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Mom," I said. "Isn't there something you'd
like, just for you? I know it'll be make-believe, but I'd like to give you
something you've always wanted."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She turned to kiss me on the cheek. Somehow, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-The-Type-Novel-ebook/dp/B005R2U5R4">she had changed</a>
her appearance: She now wore face powder, rouge, mascara, and lipstick. Her
hair was back in its upsweep. And instead of the chenille robe, she was dressed
in an eye-catching sweater and slim skirt. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Remember me like this," she said, staining my
cheek red. "That's my gift." Then, she swung her legs over the daybed,
slipped into high-heel pumps, and was gone.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-17351857409386144522016-01-20T05:22:00.001-08:002016-01-20T05:22:21.626-08:00Loser<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGlL-HsxjBFuNiEcBhDiNDYJV2Hv2eyjjuPHQPFn0mqVVDS0oLhj6bueVgJIgw1AVs3yFxRHsxxONAIFsKFt7Bk-AZ7MS2_56La_oWCSzqvZIDQNDJJtcs5NjdKYAQHVjqmABXElbzAS-z/s1600/Loser.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGlL-HsxjBFuNiEcBhDiNDYJV2Hv2eyjjuPHQPFn0mqVVDS0oLhj6bueVgJIgw1AVs3yFxRHsxxONAIFsKFt7Bk-AZ7MS2_56La_oWCSzqvZIDQNDJJtcs5NjdKYAQHVjqmABXElbzAS-z/s200/Loser.jpg" width="181" /></a></div>
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As I climbed the translucent steps, I felt as if I were in a
1940's M.G.M. musical. In my mind, I was
on a staircase to heaven, with chorus girls in feathery gowns and snazzy guys
in tuxedos dancing each tread.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But this was no Hollywood scene. I was at the Apple Store on
Chicago's Michigan Avenue, on my way to a 10 a.m. workshop, when I paused to
spy on the action below.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>About two-dozen
young people in red logo t-shirts stood quietly while their leader addressed
them. As I watched, my mood sagged. W<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hy
can't that be me, </i>I thought.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My self-pity was not far-fetched because I had indeed been
one of them. The year was 2010; I was 72. And after a hiring event at the Old
Orchard store, where I had shone in role-playing and interviews, I became a part-time
specialist.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I can't believe it," I said in a three-way call
to my daughters. I was about to enter the inner sanctum where my first
orientation was to take place, and gushed as if I were an Oscar winner: "I'm
surrounded by Macs!"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After I completed the training and joined the team, I scooted
the sales floor in my own logo t-shirt and name tag. And despite being the age
of my fellow employees' grandmothers, I felt at-home. I joshed with peers as we
gathered for our own morning meetings. I excelled at calming older customers
who feared technology. And I shared in the excitement of new product launches.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"How can you stand the noise?" I remember my
friend Ruth asking on the occasions we'd meet on my lunch hour. I'd look around
to view the staff chatting with customers, and realize I had absorbed these sales
talks, plus the blares of computers, and heard a symphony rather than a din. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"What noise?" I'd say.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Naturally, I had experiences that weren't favorable. Two
have stayed with me. In the first, I was advising a young man on the model of
computer that I believed fit his needs. As I pointed out its advantages, he
stood with his arms crossed and his face dour. When he wasn't scowling, he was
searching the store.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Frustrated, I said, "Is there something wrong? You
don't seem pleased with my selection."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"You don't know what you're talking about," he
said, "I want someone else."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My reaction was midway between fury and tears. I stifled
both and sought out a replacement. As I lingered in the background, I heard my
fellow Apple worker recommend the very same Mac. My nemesis clapped him on the
back and said, "Perfect." I shook my head and whispered, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Asshole.</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The second blunder was more serious. I had sold headphones to a middle-aged man. For certain small transactions, cash registers were in drawers
that sprung out from beneath a display table. "Please stand back," I'd
joke to customers, "these can be lethal."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While others laughed, this man reacted differently. "Is
it because I'm black?" he said. "If I were white, would you have told
me to stand back? Did you want me far from the cash?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was mortified. How did my wisecrack go so wrong? I apologized
over and over, as wrought as if I had just totaled his car. Eventually, he was
mollified and we completed the purchase. We shook hands and he left the store.
But I worried he would file a complaint. With my heart beating and hands
shaking, I sought out my floor manager. "That's unfortunate," he said,
"but I'm glad you gave me a heads-up."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As far as I know, that customer generously forgave me and never tattled.
Now I wonder if the incident affected any chance I had of ever being hired again.
For recently, I applied for the same part-time specialist job, but instead of Old
Orchard, I chose the Michigan Avenue store, walking distance from my apartment.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After a hiring event in September of 2015, I received a,
"Sorry, we're going in a different direction," email. Did I lose the opportunity because I quit my first Apple job after
less than six months to be closer to home as Tommy declined? Or, did my former
floor manager -- who was now part of the Michigan Ave. crew -- recall the
drawer debacle and shut me out? Perhaps, it was just that HR had their pick
of hundreds of other candidates who were younger, taller, and smarter than I?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"It's probably for the best," I said to my
daughters in another three-way call. "At my age, it'd be tough to stand on
my feet for eight hours."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I lied.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-74723307866077795922016-01-12T12:19:00.000-08:002016-01-13T05:10:34.771-08:00Happy Anniversary<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpOi3geSt6en8t0Rlvcx6KBtgSG0aVmV5hSiTpdS4x9WvJMQjL2FiwcVRjYPKOY7w5jMGkyNwaMhxdmjuF8QuEJdnfRyO7Lq5ZzwjvqKrbcaNwV5bImQconHRH8U1Rowx8Sft6fi8Jp5Gn/s1600/wedding+bands2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpOi3geSt6en8t0Rlvcx6KBtgSG0aVmV5hSiTpdS4x9WvJMQjL2FiwcVRjYPKOY7w5jMGkyNwaMhxdmjuF8QuEJdnfRyO7Lq5ZzwjvqKrbcaNwV5bImQconHRH8U1Rowx8Sft6fi8Jp5Gn/s200/wedding+bands2.jpg" width="186" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"You hit the wrong note."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Since when do you know piano keys?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Don't you remember how much I loved to sing?"
Tommy said, as he nudged me over on the piano bench. "You'd play a song
from your 'Easy Rogers and Hart,' and I'd croon, like Sinatra."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Of course, I remember," I said, as I conjured his
lean hip next to mine. "You wanted to be a lounge singer, right? It's sad
you never got your wish."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Who's sad," he said. "Do I look sad?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I lifted my fingers from the piano keys and turned to take
him in. It was only his apparition, for he had been dead for more than three
years, but I welcomed his occasional appearances with his restored voice. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The image I selected was not the one from his last days in
our home with hospice. Instead, I chose his likeness from our wedding day in
Las Vegas -- January 13, 1998, 18 years ago.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Actually, you look happy. Is it because it's our
anniversary? Is that why you've dropped in for a visit?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Bingo," he said. "Our wedding day was the
second happiest of my life." <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"And the first?" <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"When I met you," he said. "Two years before
our marriage."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"It was a whirlwind romance, wasn't it?" I remembered
how we had bumped into each other early mornings when he was out for a jog, and
I was walking Sasha, my Golden Retriever. When I learned Tommy was about my
age, and also divorced, I boldly asked him out.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"One date; that was all it took," he said, turning
around on the bench to lean his elbows on the keyboard. "I knew right away
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was pleased to see him so relaxed. It felt familiar; for
Tommy was an easy-going guy. Even when he was challenged by his <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Green-Nails-Other-Acts-Rebellion/dp/1631529196/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=0HEANFBAJGFEBXRH0HAW">brain degeneration and aphasia</a>, he was a low-maintenance husband. "So,
sweetheart," I said, continuing our chat to keep him near. "I assume
you've been monitoring me. What's your view from on high?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"First the good stuff," he said, as he pulled out
a scorecard and pencil before shucking his suit jacket that had the boutonniere
still pinned. I smiled when I saw the tiny golf pencil that he often stowed
after games. Evidently, Tommy had been keeping score on his wife.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He studied the card and said, "I love that you're still
wearing your wedding band. Eighteen years. Quite an accomplishment for a second
marriage." Then, he reached over to touch the inexpensive gold ring we
purchased at Service Merchandise. His left hand was clear, for I had removed his
own ring and saved it with his watch, wallet, and other long-favored
possessions. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"So even though you're no longer around," I said,
"I should consider us married for the full eighteen?" I didn't think
this was accurate, but I liked the sound of it. "Okay, what else is on the
plus side of my score?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I'm happy to see you at the piano again," he
said, "but I don't see much progress." He tousled my hair and smiled,
just to be sure I knew he was kidding. "And, I'm relieved you're
surrounded by so many friends. I don't have to worry that
you're helpless without me." <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"So, I take it you're glad I left L.A. and returned
home?" <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Actually, I understood why you moved there," he
said. "I saw that my death left a hole in your life and you missed being
married. I think you believed your L.A. family could fill that void. But of
course, no one could replace <u>me</u>." Then, he rose and danced a bit of
a shimmy, as he often did when he wanted to show off.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He placed the scorecard on the piano's ledge so I could read
more. It was lovely to see his familiar handwriting, the same script he used
for daily post-it notes to me, and the matching loops and curves in the long,
joyful letter he wrote after our wedding.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Let me play this piece I'm trying to learn," I said.
"Remember?" Then, I plunked out the notes to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I'm Glad There Is You.</i> <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tommy grinned. "Faith and Jill walked me down the aisle
to a CD of Johnny Hartman. How could I ever forget?" <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I started to play and sing, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">In this world of ordinary people</i>, I felt a kiss on my cheek and
then a draft on the piano bench. "Wait, sweetheart," I said, grabbing
thin air. "Happy 18th Anniversary!"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-14673228037683180922016-01-06T05:00:00.000-08:002016-01-06T05:00:20.849-08:00Pushy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Czj3_fbe9ZtLbiG8zJDv9iSFbuDZK3DTEOrn0X59AFwGGs7WA29tYdRRFFnYiQhTRMkanXZOi_wDxvQPhSZLzZBUBhPNUAWprvgPn-ODYiPOzkhjFZdI4U_0uenCcOl3kxp9kXe6Cl6X/s1600/Pushy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Czj3_fbe9ZtLbiG8zJDv9iSFbuDZK3DTEOrn0X59AFwGGs7WA29tYdRRFFnYiQhTRMkanXZOi_wDxvQPhSZLzZBUBhPNUAWprvgPn-ODYiPOzkhjFZdI4U_0uenCcOl3kxp9kXe6Cl6X/s200/Pushy.jpg" width="135" /></a></div>
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"Don't take this the wrong way," my friend said,
as she placed a hand on my arm to assure me of her affection. "But, you
have a habit of telling everyone how to live their lives. Because <u>you</u> do
certain things, you think everyone should follow suit."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thought for a moment, and then said: "You're right;
I'm pushy."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, listen up: I know
what's best for you. In no particular order, here are suggestions -- honed by
me -- that can assuage loneliness, lift depression, curb procrastination, improve
efficiency, and build self-esteem. (Okay, let's scratch <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">can</i> and substitute, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">may.</i>
It's possible I'm not actually omnipotent.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Write in a journal every morning. I prefer a spiral 6-x-8
notebook and Pilot V Razor Point fine pen. But you can choose your own journal
and writing instrument; no electronic devices permitted. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A cup of coffee is a lovely companion as you mentally
review your previous day and record accomplishments, disappointments, anger, happiness,
prideful moments, despair, or anything else that pops into your brain at that
early hour.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Important: the journal is for your eyes only, no competition
as if you were a member of a writing workshop. This practice is not just for
would-be writers; it was extremely therapeutic for me when I was a caregiver
for Tommy. My pages were akin to a support group where I could pour out my
frustration and fears without getting well-meaning, but ill-fitting, advice
from others.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Enroll in a class or three. Currently, I'm taking lessons in
<a href="http://www.cityofchicago.org/city/en/depts/fss/provdrs/senior/svcs/regional_senior_centers.html">Spanish</a>, <a href="https://www.newmusicschool.com/">piano</a>, and <a href="http://yogacircle.com/">yoga</a>. You may remember that I have attempted these three things
in previous years and then abandoned them for one reason or another. No matter,
currently, the schedules, locations, and teachers of these disciplines fit into
my life. So, I'm back at the chair, bench, and mat. And, along with improving
at each, I'm meeting new friends. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'll throw in another nag here: don't avoid trying something
anew because others will remind you that you're previously bailed and re-upped on
the very same class. So what; give it a go again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Use a timer for tasks. This practice works well for writers
who procrastinate about getting anything down on a blank page. But, I also
recommend it for those who stall on doing household chores, paying bills, preparing
taxes, or any other onerous job.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I use the clock on my iPhone, but a simple, plastic kitchen
timer will suffice. Set it for 30 minutes, and then hunker down. When it
signals, you are permitted to pop up, and then do something more pleasant. But, as is often the case with writing, you may find that
those 30 minutes have unleashed some buried creativity. If so, you are
permitted to silence the buzzer and continue to follow your muse.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Become a morning person. I realize this will be tricky for
those of you who enjoy sleeping late and staying up till midnight. But, if you
can massage your body clock to go to bed earlier and rise before sunup, you'll
be amazed at the amount of stuff you can accomplish. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm not suggesting you incorporate my hours -- 8 pm bedtime
and 4 am wake up -- for even I recognize its absurdity. Yes, I need a nap at
midday, and ditto to my fading at evening events. I'll trade those hindrances
for the calm of being on top of tasks.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Prepare the night before. This habit works well if you plan
to visit a gym in the morning, but find yourself scrapping the goal. It also
succeeds for any other first-thing-of-the-day meeting, class, or appointment.
Before going to bed (early, remember?), fill your gym bag with workout
clothing, stack your class books and notebook, assemble folders and notes, or
gather anything needed to make sure you get out the door on time and arrive
prepared.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">-Take a walk and
talk to yourself. I have a bountiful gym in my high rise, but when weather
permits, I do a mile jaunt outdoors. I eschew ear buds and audio, but instead
talk to myself. Sure, passersby may think I'm bonkers, but because I live
alone, I don't use my voice often enough. Not only does this help vocal cords,
but it also forces you to take in your surroundings and perhaps comment, as in:
<i>That's a good-looking grey-haired guy. Wonder if he's got a ring? Maybe I'll
smile as I get closer. </i>(See the possibilities?)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #555555; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">-Express
appreciation. If any of my directives feel reasonable, fitting, and potentially
fruitful, try my custom: To profess gratitude, send a thank-you note. Electronic
can suffice, but handwritten is awesome. (Too pushy?)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-12403450045015184512015-12-17T07:05:00.003-08:002015-12-17T07:05:48.255-08:00Have Pillows, Will Travel<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitcfsralPwtqaTLDSnY7_xRkoDegJ1zkqRJIigLCzGOYAkvfsz3TkdZbTVDToOJJjwOmVyqC-KfXazMKYAx7htGcf_2VdS5F7khzq_pRs3Q-SX4Kh4FtJ4BzHNmRUeAKbDzVaLYKc7D84T/s1600/Pillows.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitcfsralPwtqaTLDSnY7_xRkoDegJ1zkqRJIigLCzGOYAkvfsz3TkdZbTVDToOJJjwOmVyqC-KfXazMKYAx7htGcf_2VdS5F7khzq_pRs3Q-SX4Kh4FtJ4BzHNmRUeAKbDzVaLYKc7D84T/s200/Pillows.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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My lifelong friend Ruth is allowing me to practice driving
in her 2003 green Honda Accord. "I have to be able to see over the
steering wheel," I tell her. She raises the driver's seat as as high as it
can go.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remove two pillows from my shopping bag, place them on the
seat, and then hop atop. "Not yet," I say, balling up my puffy jacket,
and adding it to the small tower. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Perfect," I say. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I turn on the ignition, and pull out of the parking lot of
Calo Restaurant and into Clark St. en route to Ruth's condo in Evanston. This
will be my first time at a wheel, after just passing the road test a week ago and
renewing my license. Gratefully, I am at ease. I had owned Hondas for most of
my adult life and although it has been more than two years since I drove any
car, I feel at home.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, this was not how the day was supposed to go. Instead of
Ruth's Honda, I had planned to drive a spiffy red 2015 VW Golf from the garage
of the Sheraton Hotel to our restaurant meeting place. I picked the Golf from
the rental agency's website because I wanted a hatchback with rear seats that fold
down and offer extra visibility for backing up. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was desperate to have my first drive go smoothly, so on
Monday, the day before my Tuesday reservation; I played the role of a bank
robber casing the joint. First, I clocked the time it would take to walk from
my apartment to the hotel -- 10 minutes. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After twirling through the revolving door, I studied my
printed instructions: "Go to level P1. Walk out of the waiting area and
you will see our cars along the north wall." My quarry -- as precious as a safe filled with treasury
bonds -- was a standout among the bland sedans along the wall.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Outside the hotel, I located the exit from the garage, and
then recited "left on Park St., right on Illinois, follow the cars to Lake
Shore Drive, exit on Foster, right on Clark St., left to Calo parking
lot." (I had debated taking surface streets rather than the Drive, but I
was eager to challenge myself.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The following day -- Tuesday, the morning of my virgin drive
-- I left my apartment at exactly 10:20 for my 10:30 a.m. reservation. I was
carrying a Uniqlo shopping bag with two pillows I had inherited from my dear,
departed friend, Judy, who I had assigned the role of guardian angel.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I entered the elevator, pressed P1, exited the waiting area,
and approached the Golf. My membership card scanned the window shield sticker; I
opened the front door and placed Judy's pillows on the driver's seat. I tossed
my backpack on the passenger's side, and then opened the rear door to lower the
back seats.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The two pillows weren't enough to lift me above the steering
wheel, so I added my puffy jacket; still not enough. I removed my cellphone and
water bottle from my backpack, squished it atop the pile, and pounced on. My
heart was beating fast and my mouth was dry. Gulps of water drained the bottle.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The ignition key was latched to the right turn handle, but I
was able to insert it. I turned it; interior dashboard lights came on, but no
engine noise. I tried again, and again, and again, and then sought out garage
personnel. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Dead battery," said the guy who came to my
rescue. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I checked my watch. I had spent 30 minutes in my attempt to
start the VW, and would be late for my lunch date if I didn't give up right
then. I couldn't believe that all of my preparation, my reconnaissance mission,
my two days of pumped-up courage, and my visions of success, proved as useless
as the battery.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The company agreed to cancel my three-hour reservation
($41.75 including taxes and fees), and offered a half hour of driving credit. I
used a Lyft shared-ride ($15.00) to get me to the restaurant on time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I arrived, still carrying the shopping bag and pillows,
I proposed using Ruth's car to salvage my practice day. And that's how after
lunch, I safely drove her green Honda to her Evanston condo. After hugging her
goodbye, I took the Purple to the Red to the Brown lines back to Chicago.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Next time I seek driving practice, I'll skip the car rental
and take the three trains from my place to Ruth's. Or, perhaps you have an idle car
and a destination? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have pillows; will travel.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-69285377428733931182015-12-08T05:44:00.000-08:002015-12-08T05:44:05.957-08:00Renewed<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOJKmjdFu5zZaSMwikhxqFZ34LW_VGrJg7X30GxgNVR-xKTHa1-u1ddUNXSdtcSwW6DOtbj13ql8K52O5AUFeJHhTvBE2W2TM3JIJGArwwOfIGIwukPNU8iEOaCuRzcgUxEUyPhWRkouTs/s1600/old-lady-driving-car-cartoon-355668.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="152" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOJKmjdFu5zZaSMwikhxqFZ34LW_VGrJg7X30GxgNVR-xKTHa1-u1ddUNXSdtcSwW6DOtbj13ql8K52O5AUFeJHhTvBE2W2TM3JIJGArwwOfIGIwukPNU8iEOaCuRzcgUxEUyPhWRkouTs/s200/old-lady-driving-car-cartoon-355668.jpeg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It takes three pillows to lift me high enough to see above
the Kia Soul's dashboard. "I had great visibility in my last car, a Honda
Fit," I tell Michelle, as she hauls a trio from the trunk. "I'll be
more confident if I can see both front fenders."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Pedestrians, too," Michelle says, "you have
to watch out for pedestrians and bicyclists. Check left, front, and right before
proceeding or turning, think 'left, front, and right."' <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I repeat, "left, front, and ride," hoping her mantra
will guarantee that any walkers and riders in my path remain unscathed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Michelle, who is young enough to be a granddaughter, has picked
me up at 6:00 in the morning for my first driving lesson. After two hours of
instruction and practice, she will accompany me to the DMV, lead me through the
lines, and then wait while a tester takes over the passenger seat.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was just four months ago, on my 77th birthday, when I
decided to let my driver's license expire. I reasoned that since I hadn't
driven for nearly two years, I wouldn't bother with the renewal and instead apply
for a state identification card. After all, with my two legs, shared rides -- <a href="https://get.uber.com/cl/?city_name=chicago&utm_source=AdWords_Brand&utm_campaign=search|c|drivers|chicago|country-1|city-7|keyword_Uber%20chicago|matchtype_e|ad_86840121160|campaign_brand|group_uber%20geo%3eexact|network_g|jun08update|restructure&utm_medium=kenid_6e85d9f4-2d22-0ee9-924c-00005e2ead9a&gclid=Cj0KEQiAnJqzBRCW0rGWnKnckOIBEiQA6qDBalXbd8LvajpLiA1aTCS-fJLWK3RKbx4P2WZH8K2Y1csaArdp8P8HAQ">Uber</a>
and <a href="https://www.lyft.com/cities/chicago">Lyft</a> -- and the CTA, I had competently managed my travel needs.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Recently, the lack of a license started to nag: I felt my
decision to forgo renewal had prematurely aged me. And the only way to reverse
that discomfort was to get it back. But, first I'd had to pass a road test.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was certain any licensed friend would be willing to escort
me to the DMV, and then turn over their car for the test, but I was too
skittish for that route. If I could take a few lessons from an accredited
driving school, and then use their auto for the road test, I was certain my chances
of passing would improve. A search on <a href="https://www.yelp.com/">Yelp</a> led me to the <a href="http://novadriving.com/">Nova Driving School</a>,
to Michelle, and to the three pillows between my tush and the Kia's front seat.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In 1952, when my dad first taught me how to drive, I pulled
pillows from our plastic-covered sofa to prop me in his four-door Buick. As he
flicked ashes from Camels into the butt-littered tray, he showed me how to
grasp the wheel in the ten and two positions, execute the hand-over-hand turn,
operate the stick shift, and play the clutch.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And he divulged secrets to parallel parking, which I have
since passed down to two daughters and one grandson: <span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span><span style="background: white; color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Line up your car with one that is parked at the
curb. Slowly, back up into the empty space as you turn the steering wheel to
the right. Fix your eyes on the right headlight of the car parked behind. Aim
for your target, then reverse the direction of the steering wheel. Slip in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Make
a left at the next light," Michelle says. I push the lever down to signal
my turn, step gently on the brake, and come to a neat stop at the red signal.
My instructor looks pleased as I say, "left, front, and right" while
checking each of the three directions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"You've
got this," Michelle says, likely relieved that despite my age and lack of
practice for two years; she will not have to stomp on her instructor's brake. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">"You
haven't forgotten anything."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"This
is fun," I say, resisting the urge to floor the gas pedal as if I were a
felon fleeing the scene. Muscle memory has renewed and I am once again the
teenager who has been handed the keys to the Buick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Both
hands on the wheel," Michelle orders, after my left dropped to my lap
following the classic hand-over-hand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"But
that's how I always drive," I tell her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"You
could lose a point for that," she says. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When Dad
drove, he used only one hand for the wheel; the left lingered out the rolled
down window. His arm was tanned from finger to elbow, and the remainder white
as his <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Division-Street-Princess-Memoir/dp/0929636635">grocery store apron</a>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">During
the road test, I forced myself to keep both hands on the wheel. And with
Michelle's meticulous instructions, and memories of Dad's lessons, I easily
passed. Sadly, I wasn't required to parallel park; I would've aced that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To keep
fresh, I'll occasionally rent a <a href="http://www.zipcar.com/">Zipcar</a>, haul pillows from my couch, and take a
spin. Anyone need a lift? <a href="http://www.costco.com/warehouse-locations/warehouse-380.html">Costco</a> run?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-63043584840172093662015-11-19T11:20:00.000-08:002015-11-20T05:30:56.711-08:00Shrinking<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqo7BPevu4OMkUpXok8ntrBoBBBihrYwxDJLHT8O_GnwRU7jt49Ekf0oQTBYw428DWN2_tOaE81rI-XD4YvUZLtDddMdsw-oOkkjz5hGWqFR096XscdkrX-9oBNukJAfyy_HO5YRPx7Q8a/s1600/Shrinking.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqo7BPevu4OMkUpXok8ntrBoBBBihrYwxDJLHT8O_GnwRU7jt49Ekf0oQTBYw428DWN2_tOaE81rI-XD4YvUZLtDddMdsw-oOkkjz5hGWqFR096XscdkrX-9oBNukJAfyy_HO5YRPx7Q8a/s200/Shrinking.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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I had three choices: I could drag over the step stool that was across the
aisle, climb to the highest shelf, and reach up and snatch the bottle of house
brand Vinegar and Oil salad dressing. Or I could wander the supermarket to
uncover a clerk. Maybe, I could catch the first tall person I'd see and plead
for help.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Because I'm prone to disaster scenarios, I envisioned bitty me atop the
stool, losing my footing, hanging onto the shelf itself, hauling it and its
contents down with me, and falling flat into a sea of Caesar, Italian, and
Ranch. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Instead, I chose option three and called out to a man who entered the
aisle: "Tall person!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">He pointed to his chest, indicating he was unsure if I was referring to
him, or if he had encountered a demented elder mistaking him for a wayward son.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">"Could you get that bottle of salad dressing?" I said, pointing
upward and smiling to make sure he understood my mirth. "I'm horizontally
challenged."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">With the ease of a basketball player, he put one hand around the neck of
my prey and handed it to me. "No problem," he said, likely relieved I
was sane.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Such episodes describe the life of an adult under five feet tall and
shrinking. The towering supermarket shelf is just one inconvenience we wee ones
endure. The other side includes the adjectives assigned to our stature. For
example, this scene </span><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">in the women’s locker room at a former health club: I was at the
mirror, putting on makeup, nude except for a towel around my torso. She was to
my right, smiling down at me. A tall woman, five ten, I’d guess.<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You’re so cute!” she had said. “How tall <u>are</u>
you?”</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I shifted to the left; afraid she might next pat my head, as if I
were a puppy or toddler.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
<span style="color: black;">“I used to be four eleven and a half, but now I’m
four nine,” I said. “You shrink as you get older.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as the words left my mouth, images of
Dorothy's Wicked Witch rode into my brain. Instead of a broomstick, I saw the
crone dissolve into a puddle with only her pointy hat remaining.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I suppose </span>by now I should be used to cuddly responses to my height. After all, I’m 77, and have always been the shortest in a group. Early
class photos are evidence: first row, first seat, and feet barely touching the
floor.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“You were so cute,” that’s how my best friend Ruth remembers me in
sixth grade when we first met. “Just like a doll.” We have been close friends
for more than 60 years. Ruth says she’s shrinking, too, but she’s still at
least five nine.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I don’t remember it bothering me in grade school, but I think by
high school the words started to chafe, and the older I got, the more
irritating “cute” and “doll” became.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> <span style="color: black;">If it were up to me, I’d select comments
about my personality, not my dimensions. </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To be honest, I've never felt handicapped as a short woman. I do
my best work sitting, where size is irrelevant. Yes, I have to perch on a phone
book to get my hair shampooed, and I have a hard time at the movies if someone
tall fills the seat in front. And, there's that supermarket thing. </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Now that I think of it, </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">o</span><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">ne reason I fell for
my first husband, who at six feet proposed despite my size, was because he
thought me smart, clever, and funny. As for me, I loved his tallness –
believing I had gained stature, just by hanging on his arm. </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But from the beginning there were problems with our differences in
altitudes.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> <span style="color: black;">“Can’t hear you,” I'd shout up as we held hands walking
down the street. And when we danced, his arm around my shoulder, my nose at his
navel, we were comic. </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My sweetheart of a second husband was a perfect five seven. No
communication or waltz snags. While he did throw in a few “you’re so cute”
endearments, I knew it was my accomplishments he bragged about to friends. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I've been a widow for three years now, and am thinking I'd like a
male companion -- not a husband, just a buddy for early dinners, TV watching,
and chaste spooning. If he's somewhere in my age range, his height has likely
dipped a few inches, too. Fortunately, for the three activities I've just
identified, that shouldn't be a problem. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-80390254671554648182015-11-10T04:03:00.000-08:002015-11-10T05:26:33.571-08:00Sanctuary<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp0rxLoquZE-7haRBrsCivBQQkoDm8ljdKhdgY5Mll5yPkATwfuAzW-qOyLo_FLh9lCTe9c4ReYuRoIjTDt4yqPSPhUwLTC-7hPfuobLPqiCXhwDCdMXbrPRugPRVt7wQctyLO9RUKZZ6w/s1600/Sanctuary.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp0rxLoquZE-7haRBrsCivBQQkoDm8ljdKhdgY5Mll5yPkATwfuAzW-qOyLo_FLh9lCTe9c4ReYuRoIjTDt4yqPSPhUwLTC-7hPfuobLPqiCXhwDCdMXbrPRugPRVt7wQctyLO9RUKZZ6w/s200/Sanctuary.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I slipped into an aisle seat figuring I could sneak out
early if I got bored, or if I felt out of place. I looked up as others entered
the synagogue's sanctuary and I'd nod a greeting when I'd spot a familiar face.
As a pianist struck up notes and a choir of four began to sing prayers for the
Friday night service, I settled in.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But why, in the midst of this fellowship and serenity, did I
feel as guilty as if I had crept into a casino? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was embarrassed to tell friends and family of my evening
activity because upon returning to Chicago from Los Angeles three months ago, I
had declared: "I've given up religion. I'm not going to High Holiday
services this year or join a synagogue." <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My dear crowd accepted this decision without debate because
they have been witness to my forays in and out of Judaism. Growing up in the
1940's, my family's relationship with religion was cultural, rather than observant:
We devoured fatty foods; championed Jewish athletes, movie stars, and
comedians; supported Israel; and prayed that headlined criminals were not part
of our tribe. And we attended synagogue services only once a year on the High
Holidays.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But that mediocre piety didn't prevent my parents from
pushing my brother Ron to become a Bar Mitzvah. As for me, in 1951, when I was
13 -- the age for this rite of passage -- girls in my group weren't similarly
coerced. So I faltered on my faith for several decades.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Things changed in 1989, and I peg it on Empty Nest Syndrome.
Both of our daughters were out of the house and I was seeking a project my
spouse and I could do together. Instead of moving to a new residence -- which
was my usual solution for our feeble marriage -- I suggested we join a
synagogue. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We did. I jumped in, submerged, and resurfaced with a desire
to have an adult Bat Mitzvah. I hired a tutor, learned to read Hebrew for my
Torah portion, chanted, and hosted a celebration. Alas, one year later, our
marriage expired and my link to that Reconstructionist synagogue ended, too.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In 2012, after my second husband Tommy died and I moved from
our house to a downtown apartment, I joined a Reform synagogue where on Saturday
mornings a group of 20 or so debated the week's Torah portion. "I love the
intellectual stimulation," I told those skeptical of this fresh trail in
my religious journey. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In Los Angeles, I quickly found another Reform temple and another
series of Saturday morning studies. So why, after these two seemingly worthy religious
experiences, did I vow, upon returning home to Chicago, that I would be
avoiding Judaism, Torah study, and the High Holidays?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I wanted to feel part of a community," I told a
friend, whining like a pathetic teenager who had been excluded from the popular
girls' clique. "But I was never invited to anyone's home for dinner. At
both synagogues, they'd all been together for decades, and evidently weren't
interested in squeezing in this newcomer." <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Maybe if you had stayed longer," she suggested,
"or joined committees, then you'd feel more part of the group." But I
wanted to be immediately bonded. I was impatient, felt wounded, and decided I
was finished with religion. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, what happened last Friday to send me to evening services
at the very same Chicago Reform temple I had huffed my way out of? My theory is
while I originally believed I was seeking community and intellectual
stimulation, I was really searching for something deeper, something to heal
losses. In the first case, I was a recent widow who had buried a dear husband,
and in the second, a transplant who moved away from good friends in a beloved city.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Evidently some pains
remain: Tommy's death still feels fresh. And by returning to Chicago, I left behind
my adored Los Angeles family. Add in, some in my circle face health challenges.
Perhaps it is these facts of life that propelled me to find a harbor. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At last Friday night's service, as I sat in the synagogue's
sanctuary, I listened to the choir and absorbed the rabbi's words. (In my
absence, a new rabbi and assistant rabbi came on board. The latter is a woman
-- a bonus in my view). And, I joined the congregation in reciting communal prayers
for healing and mourning. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Based on my seesaw history with Judaism, my relatives and
friends may be skeptical about this current religious plunge and wonder how
long it will last. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Does it matter?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-33419785525254323542015-10-27T14:10:00.001-07:002015-10-28T05:25:00.867-07:00Bad Grandma<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjrFVTBZhHOLmRXkckD3H9IfLXHrCkSUlSBT3zeqhyE3BpQPL2vM2H33eHOe2k035Fvpw-4vybHgWTnfCAW8jeRZdjPZgTWUYtsI2akP9Fopj5gWbLu2nBnNGFbUxr9QZk193SO62-REKt/s1600/44817949_sGrandma.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjrFVTBZhHOLmRXkckD3H9IfLXHrCkSUlSBT3zeqhyE3BpQPL2vM2H33eHOe2k035Fvpw-4vybHgWTnfCAW8jeRZdjPZgTWUYtsI2akP9Fopj5gWbLu2nBnNGFbUxr9QZk193SO62-REKt/s200/44817949_sGrandma.jpg" width="195" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are sitting knee-to-knee at the top of a long flight of
stairs that runs from the first floor of my daughter's Los Angeles home, to the
second. There are three bedrooms up here; two are empty -- the adults having
left for the night. And the third, where my 6-year-old grandson was supposed to
be slumbering, has just been vacated.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Call Mommy and tell her to come home," he says,
one hand on the banister and the other wiping fresh tears from his face.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"No, I'm not," I say. "Mommy needs a night
out."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His tears, which I believe are as false as those of a screen
idol, slide from a trickle to full faucet. I am impressed with this talent.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I want Mommy," he repeats.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I can put you to bed," I say. After all, I had
already fulfilled the prescription left by his mother: We cuddled under the
covers, I flipped the pages of a favorite book and read dramatically -- playing
all of the characters in different tones of voices -- and, I kissed his sweet
forehead before twirling the light knob off and slipping out the door.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Call Daddy. Call Isaac. Call Faith," he said. His
father, brother, aunt; I waited for him to add the postman, gardener,
housekeeper -- anyone but bad Grandma.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I don't feel safe," he said, tossing a grenade. I
smiled as I heard a sentence likely gleaned from kindergarten warnings.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"What can I do to make you feel safe?" <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Call Mommy."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"You're acting like a bully," I said. My grandson
paused his tears for a bit and turned to look at me. He couldn't believe his
ears, and his luck. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"You shouldn't call me a bully," he said.
"That's not allowed at school."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could see the scoreboard in my head, and his hometown team
was trouncing the visiting one. Then, came my next foul: I started to cry. Not
false tears as I believed my grandson was producing, and not sobs, just wet
whispers of defeat. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"You win," I said. We had been at this for 30
minutes and I was ready to wave the white flag. "Let's go downstairs and
call your mother."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we reached the guest room where I was spending the night,
he hopped in my bed, smiling as if he had been designated Most Valuable Player.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My cell phone had already received a text from my daughter.
"How did everything go?" she wrote. "Were you able to put him to
sleep?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Self-pity turned to pique. My second born -- the recipient
of decades of my love and devotion -- had predicted I'd encounter difficulty in
putting her own second born to bed. She knew I was fresh at this, having lived
in different cities for all of his young years. Why had she not warned me? Why
had she allowed me to enter the game like a player without proper headgear?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I returned her text: "I failed. He wants you
home." <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"On my way," she sent back.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I turned to tell him the good news, he was fast asleep
on my bed. His mother arrived, shook her head, and then carried him upstairs.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The next morning, my grandson and I greeted each other
warily. Instead of pouting, I opted to put the previous night's episode behind
me. "What would you like for breakfast?" I asked, kissing the top of
his head. "We have Cheerios, or if you prefer, waffles." I was acting
Diner Waitress in a game we often played.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Cheerios," he said, evidently also eager to erase
our evening dust-up. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The next day after I returned to my Los Angeles apartment,
my daughter phoned. "He said you called him a bully and that you cried."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"True and true," I said.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"You shouldn't have done either," she said.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I was unprepared," I said. "I didn't plan my
reaction and couldn't help my tears."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"You're the adult," she said. "You should've
known better."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My shoulders sunk as I felt another round slipping away.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I wish it had turned out
differently."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That evening, I sent my daughter a text. "How about I
come over early tomorrow and give him breakfast? You can sleep in."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"That would be lovely," she typed back. We were
not opponents after all. Obviously, the three of us had regretted our actions,
words, and wounds, but remain deeply attached. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Now, because my daughter is an <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Pilot/dp/B00I3MNF6S?_encoding=UTF8&*Version*=1&*entries*=0">award-winning TV writer and director</a>, the unfortunate scene just described could possibly be fictionalized
and turn up in one of her episodes. Luckily, I can first report it here, from
my POV. <o:p></o:p></div>
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So score one for grandmas -- good, bad, and somewhere in between.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-58068878809781733622015-10-01T05:19:00.001-07:002015-10-01T05:19:11.188-07:00Piano<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYhWfKE1Ld4lZ84cMihOTLlL3JSqkumqIiayZTNpt37OAiLCv82FZGlc2NFV3vlzUQrOaHyOrnFVxehtYfiERb7jGoE44WojMRj7v2GXyGoBJdX9erlfQBuQb_B2S7e0GTH40dYzVJR95C/s1600/Piano.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYhWfKE1Ld4lZ84cMihOTLlL3JSqkumqIiayZTNpt37OAiLCv82FZGlc2NFV3vlzUQrOaHyOrnFVxehtYfiERb7jGoE44WojMRj7v2GXyGoBJdX9erlfQBuQb_B2S7e0GTH40dYzVJR95C/s200/Piano.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The freight elevator is reserved for Friday between 10 and
noon. A member of the maintenance crew has already been to my <a href="http://www.rentaqua.com/">apartment</a> and
removed from a hallway closet two folding doors and wire shelving.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For my part, I've shifted its contents to a different closet
in my 582-square-foot studio. Soon, a pre-owned Everett Upright Piano,
with bench, will occupy that empty area, which once housed a handful of sweaters,
a mat for morning stretches, a pail, broom, and dry mop. Instead of a wave of a
hand like some ordinary wizard, I have used wit and brawn to transform a once
humble space into a music room.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"How long have you been playing?" the eager <a href="https://www.blogger.com/pianoortechicago.com">salesman</a> had asked as we climbed two flights of
stairs to review pianos in my price range. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Catching my breath, I had said, "Oh, I can't really
play. I'm a perpetual beginner. All I want is to learn how to play Rogers and
Hart." He hesitated, perhaps wondering if I was serious in my search, then
shrugged <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">whatever </i>and continued up
another flight. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn't think he needed the history of my piano quest, but
I'll tell you: Neither my first husband nor I played, but because we believed a
house filled with music was a bonus, in 1970 we bought an upright and offered
lessons to our daughters. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From the moment six-year-old Faith sat down on the bench;
she treated the instrument as if it were her long-lost twin. (Her sister, Jill,
tried lessons, but quickly decided to leave that particular talent to her
sibling.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My draw to the piano didn't occur during those years; it
wasn't until another time and place that I decided to take lessons. It was the
'80s, and the upright had been exchanged for an ebony baby grand. I can still
see that handsome piece, with its wing-shaped lid, which seemed to send its
notes soaring.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wish I could remember the name of the young man who was my
first teacher, and led me through Alfred's Basic Adult Piano Course - Level 1.
But in 1990, when my first marriage ended, the baby grand and lessons exited,
too. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tommy and I first met in 1996, and we learned we had the
same favorite song: Rogers' and Hart's "It Never Entered My Mind." That
commonality, plus others, led to <a href="http://therookiecaregiver.blogspot.com/">marriage</a> and another piano. I
was never able to smoothly play <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">our</i>
tune, but I could pick my way through George Gershwin's, "They Can't Take
That Away From Me."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can still see -- and hear -- my wannabe crooner standing
at the side of our Yamaha, belting out "<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The way your wear your hat</i>..." Like an aged nightclub duo, I'd
I search for the right keys while my sweetheart patiently waited for me to
catch up to his lyrics.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After Tommy died in 2012, I sold our house. The piano went,
too, as part of an estate sale. Because I was moving to a studio apartment in
River North, I believed there'd be no room for the instrument. Or, maybe I
thought any images of our schmaltzy showbiz scene would be too hard to bear.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
During my nine-month stay in Los Angeles, my roomy
one-bedroom apartment could've housed a piano, even a baby grand, but I never desired
one. It wasn't until I returned to Chicago, and in a conversation with a friend
that the thought came up. I must've been gloomy the day of our lunch, because she
advised: "Find something to make you happy." <o:p></o:p></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Happy.
</i>Then, clear as day I heard Tommy's tenor: "<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The way you haunt my dreams,<br />
no, no, they can't take that away from me.</span></i><span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">" </span>I saw
the two of us in the dining room alcove where the upright stood. I heard us
laugh as I struggled with chords. <span style="color: #222222; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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"A piano," I told my friend. "A piano and lessons;
that made me happy."<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So, once the pre-owned Everett comes home, and I hang
portraits of jazz giants on walls where wire once hung, I plan to host
"Sing Along Sundays." By then, I'll have purchased a few songbooks
and those who can squeeze in, and are willing to play piano, or sing, will
bring alive Rogers, Hart, Gershwin, and others of that era.<o:p></o:p></div>
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During those times, perhaps our chorus will imagine
ourselves in a favorite musical. And because my mind's eye knows no limits,
I'll see Tommy there, too. Maybe by then, I'll be adept at our favorite song,
and I can accompany him as he sings, "<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And
wish that you were there again, to get into my hair again, it never entered my
mind</i>."<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-25414209520557868082015-09-16T12:24:00.000-07:002015-09-17T05:21:07.502-07:00Mean Girl<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJPG0XnXmmhbEWFTlSDUJlSsaB_q8tQw_DMbSvw8IQxQwqF24pKK61ekoJ4OU0wvtuAXwxuFsnCot_3AxhTPH6JOv2OhGohwh9DA2Yqz4Dy0n-3SJ_CzPXDsjSN7S8vEGbmSyA2gkc_CUs/s1600/Angry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJPG0XnXmmhbEWFTlSDUJlSsaB_q8tQw_DMbSvw8IQxQwqF24pKK61ekoJ4OU0wvtuAXwxuFsnCot_3AxhTPH6JOv2OhGohwh9DA2Yqz4Dy0n-3SJ_CzPXDsjSN7S8vEGbmSyA2gkc_CUs/s200/Angry.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So far this month, two people are mad at me -- wait, maybe
three. Perhaps even you?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Surprisingly, I'm okay with that. In my advancing age I've
decided to switch from a lifetime of Nice Girl to an occasional Mean Girl.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, you won't find me tripping the feeble, or hurling insults at
strangers, just that I may do something that makes you mad -- like acting
haughty or telling you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">no</i> -- and, I
can live with that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This recent decision is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">so
</i>liberating! It all began in discussions with several acquaintances and I
was not able to satisfy either with my <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">No,
can't do </i>response. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While my repeated <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">No </i>eventually
terminated the dialogues, it didn't stop my brain from simmering. Because of my
decades of being nice, polite, and diffident, I couldn't leave the issues as
settled. Instead, I obsessed about my dissenting and anticipated a night of
tossing.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was then the refreshing idea slipped in among my turbulent
thoughts: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It's okay for someone to not like me, or to be mad at me; I will
survive.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And with that light bulb moment, I felt unburdened, and knew
I could then sleep peacefully.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, this liberating notion required a bit of
research: When did my intent of being Nice Girl begin? So while visions of
avengers skipped on by without pausing, calendar years flipped backwards until
I reached childhood.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I see pre-teen me posing in front of a three-way mirror in a
department store circa 1950. Mother is seated on a cushion surveying the outfit
I am sampling. "You look fine," she says, responding to my dour
expression.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I dearly love this beautiful woman who is scrutinizing my
fashion show. With her upswept hairdo, blue eyes, Max Factor red lipstick, and
beauty queen shape, she resembles a film star. She is adorned with costume
jewelry, a sweater I wish had a higher neckline, a slim skirt, and high heels
she insists on despite the resulting bunions.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The scene in this department store is familiar: My mother
selects my clothes. As usual, I button my lip about my hatred of her choices
because I believe my tie to her so fragile that I dare not oppose. "If you
want me to get it," I say about each unappealing ensemble, "let's do
it."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So Nice Daughter continued until Mother died. She left this
earth without ever learning of my loathing of the bulky winter storm coat, the
school shoes with thick heels, or the faux cashmere sweaters that made my skin
itch. I can live with that; she didn't deserve to ever meet Mean Girl.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nice Girl was also Nice Student; first to raise her hand,
turn in her perfect penmanship paper, and volunteer to erase the black board.
That's why the unpleasant time in the assembly hall still reproduces darkly
whenever I try to recall my eight years at Lafayette Elementary.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I can't see the stage," I said to my chum on my
left as I tapped the stiff cotton of her blouse. "Can I try on your
glasses?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After Sandy handed them to me and I placed them atop my nose
and ears, I let out, "Wow, I can even see the buckles on their
shoes."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Elaine, stop talking or you'll have to leave the
assembly," said Miss Lowe, her finger touching her lips for emphasis. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This had never happened to Nice Girl! I removed my friend's
glasses, handed them to her, and used my small arm to wipe tears. I was
mortified. In my childish mind, that incident dumped me into the group of bad
kids, those who would be sent to the principal's office. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had made the teacher I adored mad at me, and that incident
must've seeped into my brain and stuck there as if it were chewed gum on the
bottom of an unlucky shoe. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
History reveals that my desire to prevent anyone's
displeasure went beyond those I care about. I see now that it protected
everyone from Mean Girl, like an insurance policy that promises full coverage
even in the event of flood or earthquake. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I look back on these petty examples of how important it
was for me to be Nice, I wonder how off base I had been. Perhaps Mother
would've taken my view, considered it, and said, "Oh, I never realized
that. Of course, you can choose what you like."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And maybe Miss Lowe, if she had known how her simple
shushing had devastated me and left a lifelong stain, would've pulled me aside
and said something like, "I know this was not your usual behavior. You're
still my star pupil." <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No matter. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You've</i>
been warned: Watch out for Mean Girl. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-82988747246828670342015-09-02T05:27:00.000-07:002015-09-02T05:27:00.671-07:00Abandonment Issues<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKAuqiw3AMiyqlAZA9uf3_O1GbM7TC-brN_u36YjDfJKHBkckUjpIJTE6SB1U3mjExRqW8TeLiKp7JT3m_FwiHvAfuWUaQjCB6QD69bbQ9gA16xn-4cvvnCvBTd85Jgxdu_63CvpGgOaUd/s1600/Mat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="141" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKAuqiw3AMiyqlAZA9uf3_O1GbM7TC-brN_u36YjDfJKHBkckUjpIJTE6SB1U3mjExRqW8TeLiKp7JT3m_FwiHvAfuWUaQjCB6QD69bbQ9gA16xn-4cvvnCvBTd85Jgxdu_63CvpGgOaUd/s200/Mat.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
The super thick exercise mat won't arrive until tomorrow. But
I'm hyped up to begin, so I improvise. Two curly bathroom rugs tease. I place
one on top of the other and plop them on the hallway floor.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From my filing cabinet -- a cardboard box stored in a
closet -- I retrieve a folder labeled, Medical Soloway. Did I place my physical
therapy exercises here, or could I have tossed them in my recent move?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Found! Now, I have no excuse to ignore the suggestion from
my internist that began with her question: "Does the pain start in the
butt and radiate to your leg?" <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Exactly," I had said during a consultation the
previous day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was she clairvoyant, I
wondered, or had a glance at my online chart revealed this was a recurring
symptom?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I've booked an appointment late in September for an
epidural injection," I said. "Those shots helped in the past."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went on, "The pain started after walking at least a
mile." But instead of congratulating me for my daily treks as I had hoped,
she announced, "sciatica." <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then she turned from the computer screen and said,
"Actually, physical therapy may be better for sciatica than undergoing the
needle." <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As she was reaching for a prescription pad, I confessed,
"Um, I did six weeks of PT in Los Angeles."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her face brightened, "Did it help?" <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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"While I was doing it," I said. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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"Well, perhaps you should try again before the
epidural. Let the surgeon know the results and maybe you can avoid the shot."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That was the conversation that had me flat on my back, with
stomach muscles pulled tight, and counting to 10 with each stretch. After the
last maneuver, compressing on the two rugs, I scolded myself for abandoning
these beneficial exercises.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If they were indeed easing the pain encountered with long
walks, why did I shove the instructions deep into the file cabinet and ditch a
padded mat in the L.A. apartment I recently left? I wondered: why are good
intentions so easily dumped?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Instead of remaining on the duo mat to ponder the question,
I retreated to my bed, the better to meditate on my latest desertion. With my
eyes closed and the sliding door open to a morning breeze and the sounds of
early traffic, I retraced other worthwhile plans I had promised to pursue, but
instead paused. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let's see, there were courses on speaking Spanish beyond the
present tense, lessons on swimming while breathing on either side, private
piano lessons so I could play Rogers and Hart, and group singing classes to
accompany myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The most enjoyable part of all of these activities --
including my recent physical therapy -- was the pre-research and purchases.
There might be new workbooks, wardrobes, equipment, and other necessities. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And once an instructor and location were determined, came the
exquisite next step of entering the details on electronic and paper calendars.
Ever the optimist, each activity would be "a recurring event," which
I would optimistically stretch out for an entire semester.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh stop it. I know you're imagining I flunked at all of
those endeavors, threw out the workbooks, tossed the goggles, sold the piano,
and cursed the composers. Well, no, nothing so abrupt or dramatic. Each one
slowly slipped away, like a full moon that disappears from the sky. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If friends or family inquired as to the status of any
pursuit, I'd say, "I just got too busy with work and couldn't fit it in
any more." (Substitute "lazy," "bored," or
"discouraged" and you'd be closer to the truth.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fortunately, I barely remember the tails of my attempts, but
I easily recall the beginnings. So, after a year's time, when a fresh catalog
appears in my mailbox, or when a new apartment offers both an indoor and
outdoor pool, or when a promotional flyer is pasted on a nearby bulletin board,
I feel the familiar lures of<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Why
Not?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, doing daily physical therapy exercises doesn't
exactly match the pleasures I would win if I were to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hablo español</i>, do laps, tinkle the ivories, or croon. On the other
hand, if I performed them every morning without fail, it's possible I could
walk a mile without returning home for an Advil, heating pad, or icepack. And perhaps
I could cancel the epidural.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, if I were able to repair my body and walk or trot
without stabs, perhaps I could one day run a marathon. Hold on; let me look
into that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-2324286166230053192015-08-16T05:30:00.001-07:002015-08-16T05:30:06.924-07:00Imposter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWsA4vr_-NiewA5Ps-n7LtS6gzxTuObHU-bWtyreQgGlcG6yrzLkS7uhW6lJW9OsT9rN54n3D6m7LEli42thYOpMR-pk2Txto4c7_UrkXztjWEmqSR4Uadnh1u21TIoExDqF20IJjbQr3K/s1600/Dogs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="198" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWsA4vr_-NiewA5Ps-n7LtS6gzxTuObHU-bWtyreQgGlcG6yrzLkS7uhW6lJW9OsT9rN54n3D6m7LEli42thYOpMR-pk2Txto4c7_UrkXztjWEmqSR4Uadnh1u21TIoExDqF20IJjbQr3K/s200/Dogs.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm confused about the name of the dog nuzzling me nose to
nose. Is this Pippin, Rosie, Enzo or Ellie? There's at least six of these small
breeds: Shih Tzus, Pugs, Beagles, Spaniels, Terriers, Cockapoos, and mixes of
them all, that wander the dog park and eventually wind up on my lap.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
While I fancy the larger dogs -- the Goldens, Labradors, and
blends of the two -- these big guys are like adolescents, racing after each
other, wrestling a bit, and then resuming their manic chasing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Which is yours?" The question came from a
fairytale blond seated next to me on the bench. While she waited for my answer,
her eyes tracked the tiny mounds of grass, trees, and ponds, ready to coo when
I pointed out my pet.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hesitated a bit, and then confessed, "Um, I don't
have a dog." I said this quietly for I didn't want the word to spread that
I was an imposter, someone pretending to have a pet and worse, planning to
snatch one.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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"I just moved into the building a week ago," I quickly
added, "and don't have a pet. But, I've had Golden Retrievers in the past
and miss being around dogs." What I didn't say -- because I wanted to
avoid pity or solutions -- was that my budget couldn't squeeze in bills for vet,
dog food, or boarding during planned trips to Los Angeles. Those details could
wait.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This must've mollified her, because she then introduced me
to a bench friend and pets. "That's Enzo and
my Ellie," she said. At the sound of their names, the two dogs paused
briefly in their rounds, lifted their button-sized ears, glanced toward their
owners, and then renewed their mini trots.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My plot was working. I remembered how my two dogs swiftly
introduced me to friends in new neighborhoods, so I was trying it again, but this
time, without my own furry one in the crowd. I knew that dog owners are drawn
to each other like long-lost relatives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Instead of DNA, the bond is affection and addiction to animals. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But as I think of it, there was one dog-induced friendship
that didn't go smoothly. The time was 1990; I was 52 and separated from my
husband of 30 years. While a bit sad at the split, I was also giddy because I
relished the fresh freedom. "I eat pizza on the couch while watching TV,"
I told friends, which at the time seemed the epitome of new beginnings. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With my Golden Retriever, Sasha, I met -- let's call her
Lauren -- and her dog Midnight. (Not his real name either.) She was likely 20
years younger than I, but we bonded because we were single women with dogs. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lauren and I met daily. We walked our dogs together. We
visited each other's homes. We sat on bare and carpeted floors to continue our
conversations and simultaneously stroke our pets. We were best friends. Then David
entered the picture. (Of course, fictitious name.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had met David at a singles event and was immediately
beguiled because he was the opposite of my husband. David smoked small cigars
and pot, drove fast, ate revolting food, and was into New Age philosophy. And
because I was feeling like a kid released from a long, intense residency in a
boarding school, all of this made me aflutter. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, one of David's proclivities that I didn't include in
the above line-up was that he related easily to women. Because of that, he had
many female fans that relished his heart-to-heart conversations. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lauren became one of them. "We're only friends,"
she said, when I claimed discomfort about their intense relationship. David
seconded, "You have no reason to be jealous."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But their words didn't appease; I coveted their intimacy. Eventually,
I wrote a long -- quite excellent and well-reasoned -- letter to the both of
them, breaking off my bonds. They protested I was off base, but neither chose
me over the other. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now that I consider that time with Lauren and David, I
wonder who was the imposter in that dog-engendered relationship? Was it Lauren
posing as my friend so she could snuggle with David? Was it David believing his
female friendships wouldn't evolve into something more? Or was it I, in a
pseudo romance where I pretended to embrace David's unhealthy and risky
lifestyle, but in truth rejected it? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Okay, I'll cop to being a bit of a fraud 35 years ago, but
today in this dog park, I'm not trying to fool anyone: Bring on the pooches.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3519522956707263204.post-57320385372145487402015-08-05T05:00:00.002-07:002015-08-05T05:00:59.396-07:00Balconies, Stairs, Stoops, and Folding Chairs<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdVawK49dOeZsjA0PoH61PbAcWYHL_DcEJ86Dm0dlpDwPb_cQR1hbPKTZTEBKx5fagBK3ZkNTzggolKJZJC81oucPt9VJP-5GUt-Ejzq54qE6Geo0LYNAPpth7kqaY2Tg2C6TSO-tdIoWS/s1600/Balcony.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdVawK49dOeZsjA0PoH61PbAcWYHL_DcEJ86Dm0dlpDwPb_cQR1hbPKTZTEBKx5fagBK3ZkNTzggolKJZJC81oucPt9VJP-5GUt-Ejzq54qE6Geo0LYNAPpth7kqaY2Tg2C6TSO-tdIoWS/s200/Balcony.jpg" width="175" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As the sun rises, I can peer to the east from the small balcony
of my new 37th floor apartment and see Navy Pier. A slight turn of the head to
the west brings into view the Tribune Tower. The Chicago River, in its natural
green tint, and Lake Michigan -- blue as far as the eye can see -- are also part
of my sky-top view. It is quiet now; only the soft rush of early morning autos
reaches my ears.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sitting outdoors on a perfect Chicago summer day coaxes my
mind to travel backwards to other unforgettable places where I have perched.
And like a jigsaw puzzle whose picture only emerges when all of the parts are
snug in place, I add the characters who help create a picture of my past.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The year is 1996, early evening; I am sitting at the top of
a long staircase outside my Henderson St. townhouse. My Golden Retriever,
Sasha, is hip-to-hip next to me. She rises and madly rushes to the bottom stair
to greet her friend: it is our neighbor Tommy returning from work. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As Tommy pets Sasha, I boldly ask, "If you ever want to
catch a movie, let me know." I have practiced this sentence because dog
and I have said good morning to this fella ever since we moved in. He'd be out
for a run the same time as Sasha's first walk. I had learned he was about my
age and single. At the time, I was merely looking for a pal in my young
neighborhood, and thought Tommy a candidate.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I go to the Y Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays,"
he said, likely eager to add his fitness credentials. So any Tuesday or
Thursday." I picked a Tuesday, and that was how <a href="http://therookiecaregiver.blogspot.com/">my second marriage began</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, let's flip the calendar backwards to 1970. See my
32-year-old self as I sit on the stoop of a townhouse in South Commons on Chicago's
near south side. The brick homes are built around a square, so my neighbor and
I can lounge, and at the same time watch our children at play. My daughters are
six and seven-and-a-half years old, my friend's two daughters nearly the same.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The scene looks idyllic: the children scooting and whooping
in the courtyard are shades of white, black, and brown. We live in a community
where that palette was the purpose -- urban pioneers, eager to be part of an
experiment to learn if people of different races, incomes, and ages could live
together. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While the youngsters are carefree, these two mothers are
dour, for we are both in first marriages chipping at the edges. "I don't
know what to do," I tell my friend. "Is divorce the answer?" I have
asked the question, but will stay wed until he and I part many years later.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now let's travel far back and ride a Red Hornet streetcar to <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Division-Street-Princess-Memoir/dp/0929636635/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=">Division Street circa 1940's Chicago.</a> It's not me on outdoor seats; instead my
parents and neighbors on this immigrant block. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Lock up," my mother says to my father. She is
talking about Irv's Finer Foods, our corner grocery store. She has removed and
folded the apron she wears in the store and hid it behind the counter where she
will unhappily unfold it tomorrow and place it over her head. She does this
carefully, so as not to mess her up-swept hair.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Some kids might want an ice cream bar," my father
the askew optimist says. He is sitting on a folding chair outside of the store.
His cronies are lined up on one side and my mother on the other. He puts his
hand on her bare arm -- it is a hot summer's night -- and she shakes it away.
The movement is her answer and a gesture that cracks my heart.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dad ignores the slight and turns to his pal. "Did you
listen to the Cubs game?" he says. His brown eyes catch the light of the
lampposts. "<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Farshtunken</i>,"
his friend slams. "They're still my boys," my father says. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While our parents are lined up on the chairs they have
schlepped from closets, my brother and I, and a slapdash mix of kids are racing
wildly on the concrete sidewalk. "Oley Oley Ocean free," someone
screams. "You're it!" shouts another. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
Before I leave my balcony and reminiscing, I wonder, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">why these scenes and not others? </i>Surely
there were patios and porches where I enjoyed the summer air and dear
companions. But when I peer into each vignette, I realize they were all wrapped
in beginnings and endings: A sweetheart married and buried. A young love found
and lost. A childhood carefree and bruised.<br />
<br />
Life. Now a new one.<br />
<br />
<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Elaine Solowayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00188124165205604782noreply@blogger.com2